Ode to Stretch Marks – The scars of a fat housewife

Ode to Stretch Marks

Photo on 2014-02-03 at 11.44 #2Stretch marks Stretch marks how I loathe thee so

You have marked my body for everyone to know

I was once a fat girl hiding in my clothes

With your shiny silver appearance I feel like everyone knows

Pink, Purple and sometimes blue

Your faded colour has scarred me it’s true

No one can see the stretch marks on my brain

But the memories of hiding still remain

Laser, Tummy Tuck or Creams with boiled flesh in it

Maybe it’s time to just be zen with it

A reminder or a Battle Scar I need to choose

With a smile and a shrug I know I have nothing to lose

The bikini might wait for another day

But I am who I am no matter what way!

 

Much Love to my stretch marks,

The “Plateaued” Housewife

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Confidence

I am repeating myself but Marcus Messiah Garvey (whom is a freedom fighter, the smartest person I have ever heard of and was fat) said: marcus_garvey_mdm

“If you haven’t confidence in self, you are twice defeated in the race of life. With confidence, you have won even before you have started. ”

I can recall a time in my life around the age of 13 we were doing a debate about electrical power usage and its effect on the environment.  The teacher put me on the side of the environment and as I researched I experienced an epiphany.  I can’t remember the exact numbers I had worked out but I discovered that if every women in our town gave up using their curling iron we would see a dramatic change in electrical usage.  My teacher said the point was invalid because the goal was impossible.  I vowed that day never to use my curling iron again to prove that it could be done.  I realize now that that event started my journey into opposing vanity.  I gave up make-up and hair styling and magazine looking.

I had never been the pretty girl or the girl the boys looked at.  I can honestly say my husband was the first man to tell me I was beautiful (of course my dad also but he isn’t a boy he is my dad).  We met when I was in my late 20s.  Now I look back and realize it wasn’t that men didn’t find me attractive it was that I didn’t find myself attractive.  I blamed my weight.  I blamed all my problems on my weight it became a great excuse.

Also I never liked getting my photo taken and would often delete them from mine and other peoples cameras because I didn’t like the way I looked.  It is a joke I played on my mom that I would hide all the framed pictures she had of me.  I secretly went into my husbands photo albums and removed all of the pictures of myself.  I avoided looking at myself and would openly say I didn’t care and that no one else should either.

Years ago after 3 kids I was visiting my dad and I think that he was in a mood.  He asked why I was taking so long to fix my teeth (which I broke off at 10 falling off my bike) he said:

“You know just because you are married doesn’t mean you can be ugly

Don’t be upset with my dad because he was right.  I think about his advise everyday.  I rejected vanity by being lazy about my appearance.  I was lazy about my appearance because I didn’t have the confidence to be pretty.

Last year I hit bottom really hard.  I often found myself unable to leave the house because I couldn’t stop crying.  Now I realize that I had robbed myself of my identity, my relationships with people (including my husband), my sex drive (sorry to be graphic) and my desire for life.  There were times I would get in the car and just want to drive and never stop.  I found myself googling:

how to get more confidence”

One blog that I read said don’t be lazy about your appearance.  If you need to put on some make-up to make you feel better put some make-up on, if you need to lose weight do it lose the weight, dress nice, brush your hair everyday, and look in the mirror every time you can

I never looked in the mirror!

I hated what I saw and I would say that only vain people looked in the mirror.  I remember vowing to never look unless I had to.  Try brushing your teeth without looking in the mirror.  This lead to many incidents of wearing clothes with stains, baby spit-up, food drippings, etc and never knowing until my husband would say “Are you wearing that?  It isn’t clean.”  or on one trip to the big city a stranger asked what corner I squeegeed on.  I WAS apathetic and lazy about how I looked because I didn’t think I should care or want to care.

The advise in those blogs also mentioned look at what you love about yourself.  All I saw was fat.  I had to work so hard to pick myself up and feel better.   I forced myself to look in the mirror everyday.  I wanted to feel better.  Thanks to the patience, good advise and love of my friends I was able to focus on weight loss instead of hiding from it.  I started looking in the mirror with honest eyes and was surprised that I didn’t look as horrible as I thought.  The exercising and diet were working and my body was getting smaller.  I was accomplishing my goals and growing stronger for it.  I often question whether I am a happier person now because of a little make-up and weight loss or whether I get more oxygen to the brain or was it taking time and pride in myself?

It is an ongoing battle I still don’t feel “Trophy Wife” confident but at least I know that it is not my weight that is holding me back but instead a state of mind.  If I can overcome my weight than I can over come this too!

I can win this race before I begin.

With love,

The “Plateaued” Housewife